Shining a Light on My Fear

Out of the corner of my mind’s eye I caught a glimpse of movement – something hiding in the shadows. I looked more closely and discovered that it was fear. I realize now that it has been there for a while, gnawing at my soul. But I didn’t see it because I had been ignoring it. Acknowledging it would have meant dealing with it, and apparently I hadn’t been prepared to do that. After all, I was suppose to be in control. I’m the guy who is supposed to always be positive and grateful and wise. Except, of course, that I’m also oh so very human. And right now I’m feeling more than a little bit overwhelmed. It feels like important decisions need to be made and I don’t know how to make them. There was no class in seminary called “Pastoring a Church during a Global Pandemic Shut-down.” I’m just winging it – doing the best I know how and feeling pretty inadequate in the face of the task at hand. But that fear lurking in the shadows, gnawing on my soul, is not serving me well. So I am choosing to stop ignoring it. I am choosing to pay attention. And just that decision allows the light to come streaming into my heart. Even as I am writing these words I remember an old Jewel song that I haven’t thought of in years, and, of course, the words are a perfect reminder of what is really true. 

“If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we’re all ok
And not to worry because worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these

I will not be made useless
I won’t be idyl with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear”

(from “Hands” by Jewel)

Suddenly I remember what I know to be true but sometimes I forget – I can only be myself, and that is enough. All I can do is show up, be myself, do my best, and trust God with the rest. I am not alone. It’s not all up to me. But my part is up to me. And what’s been preventing me from showing up and doing my part is fear. So that ends now (at least until I forget again). Today I choose to let some light shine into my soul. Today I choose to show up and do my best. Today I choose to remember that I am not alone. Today I choose to give myself permission to just be me and let that be enough. Today . . .